If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
