worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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