both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
