I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
they need to just BURY HIM!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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