Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
