alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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