i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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