my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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