I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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