is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
