my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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