theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
