No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
