so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
