Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
