Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dear god my vagina.
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