omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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