I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
