I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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