Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
