ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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