I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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