Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Farmville is her only friend.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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