I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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