Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
