Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
