Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
