Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
