I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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