you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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