Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
