walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
