So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Please don't give away my fajitas
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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