he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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