I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
