After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
