the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
