wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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