i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
