Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sext me about skeletons
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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