Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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