weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
