just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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