u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
