half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
