I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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