I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize