My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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