I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize