I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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