The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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