you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This toilet bowl is my home.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
