i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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