guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
