erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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