i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
