i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
a search helicopter?!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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