this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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