I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize