When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
