Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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