Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
