Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
