Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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