Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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