Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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