im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
